Hi there, so after a month the accident has passed, I still constantly thinking about him
and I realize it's not healthy anymore and I dont want this to take my time a lot.

So I decided to counsel to my psikolog again, she said that my feeling towards him still intense maybe because there's a thing unsaid left behind. Tbh, Im not easily express my emotion, I always feel like everyone doesn't have to know what I feel and it is what it is....
So My psikolog said I have to tell what I fell, but I said I dont want to contact him anymore and then she told me express my feeling doesn't necessary tell directly to him either, I can write what I feel or doing voice recording, pretend that Im talking to him.
So here I am.

I don't know what to say to you.
You makin me despairing, to the point I can't even do anything.
Why dont you tell me from beginning, that you already been with someone else since early this year.
I feel stupid and I never think that you kind be this mean, what I like about you because you always be you grumpy - focus on myself type - family person.
And know, I dont even know who you are.
And I know you must be know as well that I already know about your relationship, and you don't even contact me to apologize. This is to painful, and I thank for myself for get tru this.

And I was hoping how writing will become a medium that cleanses you out of me. True, there’s less of you and of regret, but now there’s more annoyance, disappointment towards myself, and a slight hint of anger – because I just want this to be over already. False, because my expectation of letting more things out equals to having less of you inside does not work as well as I’d have hoped. For though my heart has been hollowed out, life does not seem to run out of things that remind me of you.

So, aku udh cuti sakit dari kantor selama tiga hari hahah

sebenernya, gue anak nya jarang bgt sakit, sekali nya sakit begini bgt haha makanya aneh juga udh 3 hari bed rest tuh. Turns out Im having bronkitis + covid hahaha, life is so funny.

ada mikir juga sih, apa karena keadaan psikis yang down membuat keadaan fisik juga down tanpa kita sadara. ya, however.. after I recover from this ill, gue mulai lebih considerate lagi sama my body.

After this udh mulai daftar gym lagi (cause aging is so real), pengen kalau udh nikah nanti ttep badan nya sebagus tante ernie hehe

terus mau mulai puasa senin kamis, supaya sehat secara rohani dan jasmani juga

dan, kayak nya mau lebih explore lagi "the power of surrender", seems like give everything to god, trust the god plan and focus to what I can and I want to do, instead of giving much effort towards something that in the end doesn't really matter at all heheh

ps: since Im sick, tidak nafsu makan dan tidak bisa makan yang aneh aneh aka pedes, asin, manis or yang triggering batuk, aku turun berat badan dong hahaha dan kulit juga makin alus. selalu ada sisi positif dan negatif dalam setiap hal. 

tau aja akhir bulan ada kondangan di bandung✌