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I supposed to realize that, I can't no longer handle this pain anymore neither heal it. the only thing I can do is to avoid the trigger. I know these thing is tempting softly touching my heart to say yes, to accept it. but the pain lays beneath those happy thing. no pain no gain they said. but am I sure that the pain that I feel after this, will be worth the happiness i got, wait.. happiness? does that give me the real happiness I want? or it just my idea all alone, its not real, its just me thinking it could be when it couldn't. so, why I still walk in the path of pain? when I can throw myself out of the road and looking for another path or... I could stop. enjoy the things around me... 

thinking about this making me can't sleep, I just hope there's someone who would understand, the chaos inside me. unstable. but still accept me the way I am. I just hope someday, I could find someone that would love me to the point that I dont have to wondering about his love anymore, I feel safe.. knowing that he will never leave me like what the others do. I want to meet someone that could give me the same amount of love as I did to him.

and before I meet that person, I do hope that god will close my heart, as sealed as possible. or sometimes I can't even trust my heart.. it will love again. so, I hope god will take away as far as possible someone that doesn't the right person for me.